Because it will all come together in the end

It seems like there are weeks when I'm dying to have something to do and weeks where I'm dying I have so much to do. It'd be nice if it could all even out. Like levelized utility billing for work.
My family is coming this weekend and I can't figure out when I'm going to do things like wash the guest room sheets, vacuum the carpets, get groceries, etc. It's been busy enough that I can barely figure out when to do the normal routine housework like laundry, clutter removal and dish washing.
However, for the first time in, like, ever, I'm able to get ahead on my work work. I've got a good jump on Advent and I even already have the bulletin ready for two Sundays ahead. (Now, as for that week's sermon...) Still. It feels really good.
I get overwhelmed easily when stuff piles up. People tell me to make lists, but then I look at all the stuff on them and want to throw up I get so panicked that it will never all get done. Trouble is, I get paralyzed with panic sometimes. I get so overwhelmed, I don't know what to do, where to start. It annoys the hell out of DH, but he's good at giving me a push in the right direction. (Ok, sometimes it's a not-so-gentle shove.)

Pushing the Reset Button

Every now and then you get to a point in life where hitting "reset" is about all you can do. It can't go on like it is, nothing I do seems to be working. The only thing to do is go back to the start. I'm there. But I'm glad. It's time to start over and maybe this time things will work out a lot better. I'm older, wiser, and braver. I know better who I am and what I need. All those things bode well for a reset.
If I can make it through the transition, I know I'll come out better for it on the other side. There's a lot of pain associated with it though. Knowing I messed things up so bad that I can't even begin to fix it, and that's why a reset is the only option. I can't go back and change things, but I can make a fresh start. That's all I want--another chance.
My biggest fear is that I can't do it. I mean, I've already screwed up the first go round. What's to say I won't do it again? Hopefully some life experience will help, but I am not a confident person to begin with, so it's easy for me to doubt my abilities to get it right. I don't think I can stand another epic fail. I'm more than grateful that I've even gotten this second chance--I'm pretty sure I don't deserve it.
The biggest factor though is that it's a human relationship. There's a whole other person involved and their thoughts, feelings, etc. That is a gigantic wild card at least from my end of things. I can't control or even sometimes predict what the other person will do. This makes it hard for a control freak like me. If I can't control you and your responses, how can I know how to react to you? (If you're not a control freak, this makes absolutely no sense to you, I know.) That's where all the pain has come from. I've had to totally let my vulnerability hang out there to hit the reset button. It was the only way.
I have this massive emotional 'hangover' from all of it. My life feels upside down now. I have no idea how things will turn out. I have no clue if it will work. I just know that this time, I'm willing to do whatever it takes, even give up some control, to get it right.

once in a while

Once in a while I get the feeling that I ought to be having more fun. I think being a pastor makes me feel hyper-responsible--like I can't do anything that might even be construed as frivolous. Of course, I totally resent that I've let myself fall prey to the old fashioned notions of what a pastor ought to conform to. I really never wanted to do that. I've tried not to. I'm sure some of what I do in worship pushes the envelope for the Blue Hairs but it's still pretty damn traditional.
But then again, I value my job security. Whacha gonna do?

Is it July already?

Calendar says so, but geez, it's gone by fast. I think that has to do with the kiddo getting out of school so late this year (June 17th!!) So summer seems to be going by in a hurry.

P took the kids to see his fam this weekend so I am here in blessed peace and quiet. I love it! I also got my sermon done early today (cue angelic "miracle" theme music) and have been completely at loose ends. I have no idea what to do with free time since I so rarely get any!

Otherwise, you can see my other bloggletts to know what I've been up to.

So that didn't go as planned

I guess I sorta forgot about my pledge to write more. I suppose that having to write a sermon every week cures any desire to write other things.

It's summer again, and for a revgal that means a bit of relief. No special holy days, etc. I can breathe (just a bit) easier.

It also means I get a half-bushel of fresh veggies every friday for the next several weeks. I'm pretty sure I still have a freezer full of last years, so I guess some homemade spaghetti sauce will be in my future soon. I can't think of a better way to use up all those frozen tomatoes!

We had barf-pocalypse this past week here. And this weekend, P was gone, so I got to handle all the puke by myself. (Usually, I do poop, P does vomit--that's just our deal) Anyway, it seems to be just a 24 hour bug, so I am hoping it's all over and that P and I are passed by.

Otherwise, I am taking it a day at a time. I don't live an exciting life, sadly.

writing it down

I have a hard time blogging. It just plain feels narcissistic to me. Why the hell would anyone be interested in what I have to say? Most of the time, even I'm not interested in what I have to say. Why indeed. But I realize that I do enjoy reading a few other people's blogs, and though I consider them to be wiser and more worldly than I, I would never think of them as narcissistic.
So, maybe I try a little harder to write here now. I do try to keep my most churchy, theologically slanted things separate, but since that's pretty much my life... Well, overflow is to be expected.
But this is my commitment in writing to get more stuff down in print. Interesting or not.

My first star

Even after only two weeks, I've gotten my first WW star for losing 5 lbs. Awesome! Just a few more til 5%. There is no better motivator than seeing the weight come off. Admittedly, I get a few extra points for breastfeeding, which makes it easier to live with, but there have been several days when, even not being all that careful, I haven't eaten all my points. I haven't let myself feel hungry either. Over on RevGal Cooks, I posted a healthy, filling summer recipe that is only 3 points per generous serving!
Me, I'm a snackaholic. That's my downfall. If I can eat a lighter supper that will let me have a bigger snack around 3 or 4 pm, I'm a happy girl.

and baby makes four

Well, now that there are four of us, life is indeed more hectic than ever. I'm back to work now, since the beginning of June and having M with me is not the easiest of conditions, but I don't think I'd trade it at all. I love that she's still with me. I can still nurse her as needed and, the main reason, we aren't paying for two kids in child care. Laura will enter kindergarten in the fall. We'll save up to pay for her summer care tuition during the year.
I'm also really glad that M will be here in this church while she's in childcare. We house the 0-2 year olds (or whenever they're potty trained) for the same program that L is in. She's just a block up the road at another church.
And of course, during the hottest week we've had so far this summer, the AC in the church--actually only in my zone--is broken. Go figure. The original office was divided in half to provide office space for the childcare director, but somehow this really screwed up the AC return system and my office is warm even when the AC works, but now it's fairly close to unbearable, especially in the afternoons when the sun hits my side of the building head on.
Got a fan for now, it's keeping it livable.

Hard to Imagine

It is always hard to imagine what life was like before the baby got here. No matter when the baby comes, no matter how many you've had, or not, before. It only takes a few weeks, or even days, for them to become a fully integrated part of life so that it seems like they've been there always...




...or maybe that's just my lack of sleep talking.

Sick and sicker (and other stuff)

Of course, the way things are going around here (that would be... HECTIC!) I get a cold. Not too surprising since I completely did NOT take care of myself last week, running ragged, not eating well, not sleeping enough, and then I guess there's the whole pregnant thing. So of course, it is also not a good idea for me to be visiting all the people who are sicker than I am, not for my sake but theirs. I do not want to pass on my germs to people taking chemo, people with pneumonia and heart problems, or people already fighting an infection of some sort or another. The last thing their bodies need to be doing is warding off any germs I might share. So needless to say, I've been on the phone a LOT. Not really my favorite past time, but certainly a necessary evil. I don't ever want people to think I'm not thinking about them or that I don't want to be there when I just can't--for whatever reason.
In other news, I'm fighting terrible sugar cravings today. I've only given in in small doses. A couple of single bite mini-3 Musketeers and a choc. chip granola bar. And yes, I say that out loud so I can feel totally self-righteous.
Let's see, what else? I ordered my first collar the other day. Not my idea of fun, but I figure a revgal ought to have at least one on hand for who-knows-what sort of emergency. People don't always think that Rev.'s ought to come with boobs, so you have to show some sign of authority. Decided on the full (Anglican) collar after discussing with other revgals and looking at many, many photos. The tab (traditional for my denom.) can end up looking like any other mandarin-collared shirt on women. I even found a blog that gives great directions for transforming almost any high-necked or regular collared shirt into a clergy blouse. Can't wait to try it. Just hoping I won't actually need it anytime soon.

Nikon D40

I'm so in love! This is just the camera for me, an amateur with no idea what she's doing. We took tons of pics in W'msburg. I learned how to fiddle with settings, etc. I really liked the way most of them turned out--the only thing I wanted was a longer lens. There were several times I wanted closer shots. This is the lens I covet, though it's rather price-prohibitive. Still, I can't imagine needing anything else once I get it.
BTW, if you need to know just about anything about cameras and lenses and even photography advice, the site I linked for the lens is really great! Explore it.

Bonus!

Got a really, really nice sized bonus from the church for Christmas. I guess they really must like me! I was thinking I'd use some of it to buy something nice on our anniversary trip (sans kid!) to W'msburg. Now I'm reconsidering, since it's enough to get a nice DSLR camera body that I'm dying to have. Not enough for a lens too, but I think I can manage to get a nice one within budget so I can just pull the $$ out of the rest of the pool of Christmas moolah I know we'll get from grandparents. We do have a nice point and shoot which is great for on-the-go photos, but I would really love a D40. It's not super fancy as far as DSLR cameras go, but then I am not even good enough to be called an amateur yet--but I really want to learn! (I read up all I can here--check out the archives.) I guess we'll have to see if there's anything I just can't live without in W'msburg.

What's done and what needs to be done

P did, in fact, get the living room painted. It looks very nice. We went with a color called Hopsack. Very fitting for my home brewing hubby, I think. Now if we can just get the master bedroom painted. Right now it is in a very bright shade of sky blue. Not so restful to the eyes. The attached bath is in a very bright sunshine yellow, that's gotta go too. I'm more of an earth tones gal. Not so much into the primary colors, at least not on my walls.
It's been pretty busy, and now with fall approaching, it's gonna get a lot worse before it gets better. We have Sunday school kick off and elder installation in Sept., World Communion, Fall Harvest and Halloween in Oct., Thanksgiving and gasp! then there's Advent in Nov. It's gonna get here faster than I realize, I'm sure. Lots of planning to do in the mean time.

The Painting and the Vacation

P has offered to do the painting while we're away. My job will be to get everything taped off before he leaves. A monumental task on its own, I might add. We've abandoned 'Desert Fortress' and gone with another P-appropriate color called 'Hopsack.' My beer brewing hubby thinks that's an equally acceptable name for a wall color. It's another neutral brown, but with the weird pale terra cotta tiles on the floor, our palette was limited. Still gotta get some blinds up too.
So, on top of the taping I'm also trying to get ready to leave for 10 days of vacation. This includes a plane trip and 2 days of driving on either end of the trip. I have to have 2 bulletins ready, all the laundry we need done, try really hard not to forget things like warm pjs for the cool Canadian nights, L's sun hat, my flip flops, etc., and it all has to fit in one suitcase and a backpack. Somehow, I have a feeling my sanity might have to be left behind to make room for L's stuffed giraffe.

My Collection

I've started rather a collection of blogs lately. I have different ones for some of my main interests. Yes, I could put them all in one place, but why? I feel more organized this way, and hey, since organization is not something oft found in my life, I take it where I can get it.

On the home front, we've finally gotten all of the professional repair work done on our house after the tornado back at the end of April. Now the rest is up to us. Mostly painting. Arg! Anyone out there like to paint? We've got plenty to go 'round. We decided that rather than just painting the same color over the places where there is new plaster, to go ahead and change the color of the room since it's a rather ugly pinkish-beige, "Sell My House Neutral" as it were. Not to mention it is high gloss on heavily textured plastering. Ick! Plus, we have these pale terra cotta colored tile floors that we have to try to find something to go with. So it will probably be another brownish neutral, but something a little bolder and less pink. We're leaning towards "Desert Fortress." You can see why that might appeal to Patrick, yes? We're hoping to get something picked out this weekend and get started soon. Now that they are done around the windows, we need to get some blinds up too. Our living room has been a fishbowl as of late.