Because it will all come together in the end

It seems like there are weeks when I'm dying to have something to do and weeks where I'm dying I have so much to do. It'd be nice if it could all even out. Like levelized utility billing for work.
My family is coming this weekend and I can't figure out when I'm going to do things like wash the guest room sheets, vacuum the carpets, get groceries, etc. It's been busy enough that I can barely figure out when to do the normal routine housework like laundry, clutter removal and dish washing.
However, for the first time in, like, ever, I'm able to get ahead on my work work. I've got a good jump on Advent and I even already have the bulletin ready for two Sundays ahead. (Now, as for that week's sermon...) Still. It feels really good.
I get overwhelmed easily when stuff piles up. People tell me to make lists, but then I look at all the stuff on them and want to throw up I get so panicked that it will never all get done. Trouble is, I get paralyzed with panic sometimes. I get so overwhelmed, I don't know what to do, where to start. It annoys the hell out of DH, but he's good at giving me a push in the right direction. (Ok, sometimes it's a not-so-gentle shove.)

Pushing the Reset Button

Every now and then you get to a point in life where hitting "reset" is about all you can do. It can't go on like it is, nothing I do seems to be working. The only thing to do is go back to the start. I'm there. But I'm glad. It's time to start over and maybe this time things will work out a lot better. I'm older, wiser, and braver. I know better who I am and what I need. All those things bode well for a reset.
If I can make it through the transition, I know I'll come out better for it on the other side. There's a lot of pain associated with it though. Knowing I messed things up so bad that I can't even begin to fix it, and that's why a reset is the only option. I can't go back and change things, but I can make a fresh start. That's all I want--another chance.
My biggest fear is that I can't do it. I mean, I've already screwed up the first go round. What's to say I won't do it again? Hopefully some life experience will help, but I am not a confident person to begin with, so it's easy for me to doubt my abilities to get it right. I don't think I can stand another epic fail. I'm more than grateful that I've even gotten this second chance--I'm pretty sure I don't deserve it.
The biggest factor though is that it's a human relationship. There's a whole other person involved and their thoughts, feelings, etc. That is a gigantic wild card at least from my end of things. I can't control or even sometimes predict what the other person will do. This makes it hard for a control freak like me. If I can't control you and your responses, how can I know how to react to you? (If you're not a control freak, this makes absolutely no sense to you, I know.) That's where all the pain has come from. I've had to totally let my vulnerability hang out there to hit the reset button. It was the only way.
I have this massive emotional 'hangover' from all of it. My life feels upside down now. I have no idea how things will turn out. I have no clue if it will work. I just know that this time, I'm willing to do whatever it takes, even give up some control, to get it right.

once in a while

Once in a while I get the feeling that I ought to be having more fun. I think being a pastor makes me feel hyper-responsible--like I can't do anything that might even be construed as frivolous. Of course, I totally resent that I've let myself fall prey to the old fashioned notions of what a pastor ought to conform to. I really never wanted to do that. I've tried not to. I'm sure some of what I do in worship pushes the envelope for the Blue Hairs but it's still pretty damn traditional.
But then again, I value my job security. Whacha gonna do?

Is it July already?

Calendar says so, but geez, it's gone by fast. I think that has to do with the kiddo getting out of school so late this year (June 17th!!) So summer seems to be going by in a hurry.

P took the kids to see his fam this weekend so I am here in blessed peace and quiet. I love it! I also got my sermon done early today (cue angelic "miracle" theme music) and have been completely at loose ends. I have no idea what to do with free time since I so rarely get any!

Otherwise, you can see my other bloggletts to know what I've been up to.

So that didn't go as planned

I guess I sorta forgot about my pledge to write more. I suppose that having to write a sermon every week cures any desire to write other things.

It's summer again, and for a revgal that means a bit of relief. No special holy days, etc. I can breathe (just a bit) easier.

It also means I get a half-bushel of fresh veggies every friday for the next several weeks. I'm pretty sure I still have a freezer full of last years, so I guess some homemade spaghetti sauce will be in my future soon. I can't think of a better way to use up all those frozen tomatoes!

We had barf-pocalypse this past week here. And this weekend, P was gone, so I got to handle all the puke by myself. (Usually, I do poop, P does vomit--that's just our deal) Anyway, it seems to be just a 24 hour bug, so I am hoping it's all over and that P and I are passed by.

Otherwise, I am taking it a day at a time. I don't live an exciting life, sadly.

writing it down

I have a hard time blogging. It just plain feels narcissistic to me. Why the hell would anyone be interested in what I have to say? Most of the time, even I'm not interested in what I have to say. Why indeed. But I realize that I do enjoy reading a few other people's blogs, and though I consider them to be wiser and more worldly than I, I would never think of them as narcissistic.
So, maybe I try a little harder to write here now. I do try to keep my most churchy, theologically slanted things separate, but since that's pretty much my life... Well, overflow is to be expected.
But this is my commitment in writing to get more stuff down in print. Interesting or not.

My first star

Even after only two weeks, I've gotten my first WW star for losing 5 lbs. Awesome! Just a few more til 5%. There is no better motivator than seeing the weight come off. Admittedly, I get a few extra points for breastfeeding, which makes it easier to live with, but there have been several days when, even not being all that careful, I haven't eaten all my points. I haven't let myself feel hungry either. Over on RevGal Cooks, I posted a healthy, filling summer recipe that is only 3 points per generous serving!
Me, I'm a snackaholic. That's my downfall. If I can eat a lighter supper that will let me have a bigger snack around 3 or 4 pm, I'm a happy girl.